JOY by
Alma C. Turner, RScP, Dayton , Ohio

Recently I thought of my only birth child, Malena, and all the joy she brought into my life. How proud I was of her accomplishments, how blessed I felt to be her mother, how she was my reason to live, to strive. She was my anchor to life. We had an easy, loving relationship; if she was happy I felt peace. When she went away to college I knew I could not allow my attachment to her hold her in Ohio .

Once she was in D.C., I felt lonely and lost. I became more involved in church, adopted a three-week-old baby boy and later another son. Malena completed law school and accepted a position at a law firm in California . My heart longed for her, but I kept my longing silent. Then without warning Malena parted with this life at the age of thirty-three-my beloved daughter was suddenly gone! It felt as if life had ripped her from my womb.

I held myself, I rocked myself and I looked at my grief stricken face in the mirror. It became a face I could barely recognize. My higher wisdom assured me it was ok to feel this loss in whatever way I desired; I understood that I could ride the tide of grief and not fall off as long as I shifted into gratitude.

There were times when I wanted to give up and an angel came to me saying all things were aligned to support me; that if I could hold on joy would be knocking at my door. During this time I was also told of a custom called a "living memorial," that when a loved one transitions you remember what the person gifted you with their physical presence and then find a way to gift that to yourself. Malena had gifted me in so many ways it almost felt like a homework assignment.

In the final analysis, my prayer partner pointed out how joyous I was when Malena would call or even when I spoke her name-joy it was! But, how could I find joy when I was so sad? Eventually, I realized I had to be willing to open my mind and heart-to expect it; the years passed and I stayed in a place of love. Then like a ton of bricks it hit me, I am happy again and I dedicate this joy to Malena!